Bad mom, good mom

Every mother experiences times when she thinks she’s falling short or not doing enough. However, what exactly defines a “good” or “bad” mother? These classifications can be derogatory, and they frequently fail to convey the whole scope of motherhood.

It’s simple to feel judged—by ourselves, by society, or even by other parents. However, nobody is flawless, and raising a child presents many difficulties. Even though things don’t always seem ideal from the outside, moms are always trying their hardest with what they have.

As it happens, there’s no one "good" way to be a mother. It’s more about how we handle the highs and lows of family life and how we support and care for our kids. Without allowing labels to define us, let’s examine what parenting truly entails.

“Wrong” maternal behavior: what is it?

• “I gave birth incorrectly – I am a bad mom…”
• “I do not breastfeed my child – I am a bad mom…”
• “I do not engage in the development of the child – I am a bad mom…”
• “I could not create a full-fledged family – I am a bad mom…”
• “I cannot provide the baby with the best – I am a bad Mother…"
• “My love for my child is not strong enough, I"m a bad mother…”

After becoming mothers for the first time, many women struggle with self-doubt: are they cut out for this role? Do they have everything under control? What would happen if their child received nothing? Even seasoned mothers experience pain: after giving birth to a second child, nearly all first-time mothers make a self-promise to avoid repeating their previous mistakes and to do everything "right" this time.

Let’s determine which concerns are unfounded and what is actually cause for concern. We therefore deal with objections!

“I gave birth incorrectly – I’m a bad mother…”

My ideal birth scenario would be as depicted in the Instagram blogs devoted to natural parenting: to the sound of birdsong and mantras, at sunrise on the beach, ideally in Bali; everyone is in a state of euphoria, from the infant to the muleteer who just so happened to stroll by.

We won’t argue that this isn’t the case for all women—the mule driver and the beach included—but anything can happen: induced labor, cesarean sections, early or post-term pregnancies, birth traumas, and resuscitation.

You carried the pregnancy to term and delivered the child as best your body could. Every decision you made was informed by the counsel of experts you trusted and your best intentions. Regretfully, there exist objective factors that are beyond our control.

Reexamine your actions: were they not the best under the given conditions, the best choices you made, and the most advantageous outcome possible? However, that’s precisely what decent moms do!

It’s not about living up to impossible standards or striving for perfection to be a good or bad mother. Every mother has difficulties, but what matters most is the love, attention, and work she gives her kids. It’s more important to learn from mistakes and difficult circumstances and to strive to do her best for her family than it is to get everything perfect.

“I don’t breastfeed my child – I’m a bad mother…”

In recent years, attitudes regarding breastfeeding have changed significantly. Fifty years ago, it was considered normal for women to feed themselves "from a bottle" as long as possible in order to get back to producing, or "to the machine," as quickly as possible. Then, as the new century got underway, breastfeeding was hailed as the best practice; it was said to have an impact on the child’s physical health as well as parent-child relationships, and that trust between a mother and her child could not exist without breastfeeding.

You see, the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Indeed, breast milk is the best food known to man and is specially designed for a child. Breastfeeding should be encouraged at all costs due to its significant benefits. But don’t give up if you’re still not successful.

While contemporary alternatives to breast milk may not perfectly mimic its composition, you can select a formula that will work for your child and enable him to develop and grow nearly as much as his breastfed peers. If you could only pay a little more attention to his health, the disparity in the babies’ growth and general wellbeing (assuming you saw it at all) will eventually vanish.

As for the psychological significance of breastfeeding, we will remind you of the classic (albeit very cruel) experiments of the American psychologist Harry Harlow with the loud name "The Nature of Love", conducted back in the 50s of the last century. He separated baby chimpanzees from their mothers and placed them in a cage with two surrogate models. One “mother” was a rigid wire structure with a bottle of milk attached to it. The second was soft, warm and cozy, but without food. As it turned out, the little monkeys considered the soft and warm structure to be their “real mother”, they gravitated towards it in moments of anxiety, and tried to fall asleep “in its arms”.

The simple conclusion is this: arrange bottle feeding as if breastfeeding had finally been established, holding the baby in your arms, holding him close, rocking him, and stroking him if for some reason you are unable to breastfeed your child. This is the most crucial element.

In addition, Harlow’s research provided an experimental response to another crucial query: for what length of time can a newborn be kept apart from its mother without experiencing psychological damage? Your surprise may be in the answer: six months! This is the precise amount of time required for the harm done to the child’s consciousness to become permanent. All other losses can be made up for with love, care, and affection.

This is crucial information for moms who had to spend the first few days or even weeks apart from their newborn due to health issues (their own or the baby’s). Yes, the baby found them to be a challenging test, but everything can be fixed!

“I don’t do child development – I’m a bad mother…”

There was a true parental race for early development after Masaru Ibuki’s book "After Three It’s Too Late" was translated into Russian in 1991. Yoga, swimming, language study abroad, finger painting, reading instruction… Even though it seems impossible to "cram" all of this before the child turns three, some tenacious moms do it anyway, and less tenacious mothers experience guilt.

Let"s be honest, Masaru Ibuka (one of the founders of Sony Corporation) is a brilliant engineer and entrepreneur, and the pedagogical concept he created is extremely interesting. But, at the same time, he is not even a professional doctor or teacher, so his theory is based on extensive everyday observations, and not on scientific research. But this is half the trouble, the problem is that Masaro Ibuki"s theory is interpreted too harshly; in fact, not "after three", but in the first years of life (you understand that at three years old, a child does not turn on the switch for learning ability), and not "late", but "a little more difficult".

There are no knowledge or abilities that we cannot acquire throughout our youth, adulthood, or even old age. Simply put, learning new information requires more work from an older person. However, he now possesses experience, self-control, and a clear grasp of the purpose of learning, so the whole thing is in our hands!

Talk c Our forum’s "Results of early development" topic proved to be unclear. Mothers who have invested a great deal of time and energy in their children’s early development are pleased with the outcome, but it is still not worth mentioning that these children will have significant intellectual advantages as they grow older, particularly as adults.

And if you’d like to participate in your child’s early development? Fantastic! The baby can only benefit from spending time with their mother, regardless of whether she recite haiku or sings lullabies in Japanese. The most important thing is to respect it and not stifle the infant’s innate curiosity. Furthermore, fundamental abilities are, in any case, a good place to start.

And in the event that you choose to put your child in an early learning studio? Not too bad either! You and the baby will undoubtedly benefit if you enjoy visiting children’s centers, if you unwind there as well, and if it provides a welcome diversion from the routine of daily life.

The most important thing to understand about early development is that it is not a necessary component of raising a child. Do it if you enjoy doing it. If the child finds it uninteresting, there are plenty of other things they can do after three.

“I couldn’t create a full-fledged family – I’m a bad mother…”

Nowadays, not every woman marries and has a child; even fewer do so in a stable, happy marriage in which both parents eagerly await the arrival of their child. Moms who are single or divorced can occasionally feel guilty because they weren’t able to provide their child with a complete family. What will he become as an adult if he doesn’t have a male upbringing or fatherly care?

To be honest, a lot of the criticism directed towards "female upbringing" is valid. When a child has two devoted parents, many educational aspects become easier to understand and there are no longer any concerns about where to find good role models for their child as they grow up. Conversely, the crucial terms in this context are "the growing-up period."

"What matters to a newborn is having an adult around them at all times; they don’t care if it’s just their parents, grandparents, or mother taking care of them. And you’ll come up with something by the time the father’s existence matters!

Maybe if you agree on joint parenting, you and the child’s father will have a better relationship. Maybe you’ll make plans for your personal life and meet a man who will grow into a stepfather who is kind and compassionate. Maybe having lots of friends and family support will let you get by without a close man at all. But that’s all for later.

You have now accomplished the most crucial task: you conceived, carried, and delivered a child, and you are providing excellent care for him. For now, he doesn’t require any more!

“I can’t provide the baby with all the best – I"m a bad mother…”

Though his advice has become less popular over time, Dr. Benjamin Spock’s observations remain valid because they are based on his extensive experience as a practicing pediatrician. He especially comforted parents who were struggling financially by pointing out that a child’s basic needs can be satisfied with the least amount of makeshift resources.

For a newborn, convenience is more important than beauty. In his well-known book "The Child and His Care," he states that "a cradle, a basket, or even a box or a chest of drawers will do for him" during the early weeks.

A newborn doesn’t give a damn about the age of his diapers, the label on his undershirt, or whether or not the hat is sufficiently fashionable. Cheap rattles are just as popular with children as fancy mobiles, and a walking stroller’s features are more significant to the mother than the child.

Two criteria are crucial when it comes to items for a newborn: functionality and safety. In five to seven years, beauty, novelty, fashion compliance, and the baby’s taste will all be important considerations.

Every mother has a unique journey that is replete with triumphant and doubtful moments. It is crucial to keep in mind that a single deed or day does not define a "good" or "bad" mother. The love, attention, and work you put into raising your child is what counts most.

It’s acceptable for all of us to make mistakes. Everyone has to learn how to be a parent; nobody is perfect at it. It’s important to persevere, have patience, and have faith in oneself.

Being a good mother ultimately has nothing to do with being flawless. It all comes down to being present, supporting your children, and giving it your all. That is the main thing they will recall.

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