Adoration. Who among us is aware of her precise appearance and location?
Love. Who among us knows exactly where and how it comes from? Probably, no mortal. According to Michel Odent"s theory, a mother"s love for her child arises during childbirth and in the first hours after birth. Exclusively with close physical contact. If this is broken, attachment may never arise. A woman will have to play only the "social" role of a mother – something that comes from the mind, not from the heart. How sad((But there is science, and there is life. And let M. Odent and other scientists have studied a bunch of rats, gazelles, monkeys and other animals. Can animal maternal instinct compare with human maternal love – God"s Gift?? And how can we – mothers who have not given birth to our own children – agree with this theory?? Yes, we did not carry them under our hearts, did not experience the pain of childbirth, did not breastfeed them. But we "gave birth" to our love for them! And these births are difficult, long, exhausting, requiring enormous strength of soul. Scientists say that love is hormones. "Squeeze out" from hormones, avoiding the physiological process of their origin – oh, how difficult! But we – adoptive mothers – can cope. And we love our adopted children as our own. I would like to share the story of my "birth" . Perhaps my experience is useful to newly made mothers who gave birth to their children "from the heart". Of course, everyone knows the first rule of choosing a catering child – he should not cause rejection. That"s where I started. I really liked my daughter in the orphanage. She was smiling and pretty. And she didn"t disgust me at all despite the eternal green snot down to her waist, nails bitten to the flesh, sweaty palms and terrible bad breath (due to snot and rotten teeth). All of the above "caught up" with me during the adaptation period. And it began from the very first day of staying at home. And here is my path to finding love for my daughter. Precisely love. Real. Maternal. I didn"t consider anything less. I understood that family is a place where everyone loves each other. That is why I was ready to fight for my love. Find it in yourself and fix it in your heart. In the first 2-3 weeks I just "froze". There were no thoughts in my head, except for one: I just need to survive THIS. And such "suspended animation" helped me cope with the hardest weeks of our life together. I didn"t force myself, I just let go and went with the flow: I cooked, cleaned, went shopping. When I wanted to cry – I cried (I wanted to almost all the time). And when I could sit down and take a break, I endlessly played my son"s children"s computer game. A game that requires exceptional attention and reaction. And not a single extra thought in my head. I went to bed when sleep literally knocked me off my feet – just so as not to think. And such tactics helped – the feeling of despair and melancholy let go a little. Now it was time to act.
- Act 1.
- Act 2.
- Act 3.
- Act 4.
- Video on the topic
- Adopt a child! // Who needs adopted children?!
- How to show love to an adopted child?
- A adopted child. How to tell the truth softly?
- BIRTH OF A CHILD. How not to go crazy and have fun. Happy motherhood. Ada Conde
- adaptation of an adopted child
- Stepsons and stepdaughters. How to find a common language with someone else"s child? Family psychotherapy
- Adopted child: just loving is not enough
- Unloved child and resentment towards parents: how to make up for the love deficit? | Family psychology
Act 1.
"In love by own will" movie: "What’s good in her after all? You must first hold onto something. I gave this question a lot of thought. I became enamored with beauty. I think my daughter is beautiful, of course. And I started adorning her even more. Put on some clothes for her. Take care of her hair. There were occasions when my daughter would change into a new outfit and parade across the room for an hour. I thought highly of her. She was content with the praise and recognition. This was the initial action.
Act 2.
M. Oden (based on numerous studies by other scientists): "Maternal attachment occurs during childbirth and in the first hours after them. With close physical contact". Yes, my daughter and I had no physical contact for 5.5 years. What can you do: Better late than never. So, let"s start now. Oh, how difficult it is. How awkward and unpleasant it was for me to even hug her(((And here, too, I decided not to force myself. I don"t want to hug, so let"s replace it with other types of physical contact. I began to bathe her! Every day for an hour, or even more. In the orphanage, children were bathed once a week. We washed our hair very rarely – with a sharp bar of laundry soap. So our daughter was ready to sit in the bath for hours, splash around and sort through bottles of baby detergents. I dried her, dressed her like a little one, dried her hair with a hairdryer, combed her hair, braided her hair, smeared her with cream. And literally in a couple of weeks we replaced long joint bathing with regular daily water procedures. And I was able to calmly hug and kiss her. Moreover, it became more and more pleasant for me to do this every day. There was also an unpleasant moment for me – wet palms. It is clear that this can only cause affection in the mother of her own child. But we had a special case. And again I applied my usual tactic "don"t force yourself – replace". And we began to walk with my daughter not holding hands, but arm in arm. I joked that we walked like two young ladies. My daughter really liked it, and it helped me overcome another barrier. Very soon, any of my daughter"s palms were pleasant to me. And "like young ladies" we now walk only for fun.
Act 3.
M. Oden: "A mother’s and child’s attachment includes the ability to recognize scents." Yes, one of the best things about being a mother is the smell of your child. In an attempt to give off the same scent, I started using my daughter’s shampoo, baby cream, and soap. I also purchased the same sanitary lipsticks for us. I sprayed my perfume all over her. We were able to get closer thanks to all of these little things.
Act 4.
To find love for an adopted child, one must embrace the journey of parenthood, recognize that love is a process that develops over time through shared experiences, patience, and a dedication to nurturing a sincere and profound bond.
U.Shakespeare: "She loved me for my suffering, and I her for my compassion for them". My daughter really liked the story of how I found her on the Internet and how long and hard it was for me to "take" her home. She asked to tell this story again and again. Each time demanding more "bloody" details: was it hard for me to travel; was I very cold; did I cry bitterly when something didn’t work out; did I collect a lot of documents, etc.d. Seeing that my suffering at that moment was important to my daughter, I retold this story every time, attributing to myself more and more difficulties (often simply made up). My daughter blossomed before our eyes. How important it was for her that someone fought for her happiness. After all, her own mother simply took her to an orphanage and left her there. And I, too, slowly began to believe in my "suffering", although in fact, at the stage of adoption, difficulties were perceived as due. And this was also my next thread to maternal love. After all, as they say, we love what we got with difficulty. Perhaps, my daughter, in this way, helped me realize this. Who knows? Yes, love was not easy to be born. But no one promised easy paths! And what a powerful lesson of "unconditional love" my own five-year-old son taught me. He was the first to accept his sister as his own. Simply as a fact: there is a sister, you have to love her. And he loves her. Pities. Understood. Accepts as it is. And she reciprocates his feelings. It is impossible to separate them. And I tried to follow the example of my 5-year-old son. Use all sorts of tactics and strategies to help, but the main thing is to learn to see your daughter as just a child. My child. And although not immediately, and not easily, but LOVE came. In small steps, thin shoots. The most important thing is to grow these first shoots. And then – to fertilize them, pamper and cherish them. And after all the difficulties, a great reward awaits. Because there is no greater happiness for a mother than her child. Beloved, native child.
