Raising a child. Cold absent mother

One of the most gratifying and difficult paths a parent can take is raising a child. For every child to develop into a self-assured, well-rounded adult, they require love, care, and attention. However, what occurs if there isn’t an emotional connection between a mother and her child? The development of a child can be significantly impacted by a mother who is emotionally distant.

A mother who practices "cold, absent mother" parenting is one who is physically present but emotionally unavailable. Stress, personal difficulties, or even a lack of understanding of the significance of emotional connection can all contribute to this. Sadly, kids in these circumstances might feel abandoned, which could result in feelings of insecurity and loneliness as well as a variety of behavioral problems.

Recognizing how emotional absence affects a child’s worldview requires an understanding of its effects. This article will discuss the potential effects of emotional distance from a mother on a child’s development, warning signs to watch out for, and strategies for mothers and other caregivers to strengthen and foster their relationship with their kids.

Indifferent mother. View from the outside

Probably, this type of maternal behavior received from specialists the most terrible bouquet of names: missing, detached, cold mother, ghost mother and even “dead mother” – a chill on the skin. For many years, such a mother was called "schizophrenogenic" and was believed to contribute to the development of schizophrenia in the child (later, most psychologists moved away from this theory). Let"s say right away: the absence of a mother in moderate doses is necessary, without this, the child will not receive healthy development either. A mother hen who is always hanging over the baby is another malicious extreme. But a cold mother has a consistently "switched off" emotional contact with the child, this is her main feature. And this feature is more characteristic of the generation of our mothers and grandmothers. We and our children are luckier – cold mothers are becoming less common today. A detached or "dead" mother, of course, is alive and most often healthy, she can take very good care of the child, "just" her emotional connection with the child is broken, she is burdened by the child, does not know how to communicate with him and how to be close to him. Therefore, the child does not have the opportunity to establish an emotional connection with the mother, to be nourished and to receive a reserve of mental strength necessary for further relationships with people. French psychoanalysts give a vivid image of a healthy mother: she tempts her child to live with her love. Only after being filled with her love, the child can let go of the mother and turn his love and his desires to other people. But a detached mother does not give her child such a resource. A cold mother does not give her child love, warmth and affection. Sometimes this looks respectable and aristocratic, sometimes it is a really normal background for a family of phlegmatic people in the spirit of the Svantesons from "The Kid and Carlson", who express love with restraint, but everyone is confident in each other. In addition, not all girls and boys need the manifestation of bright emotions towards them! There are calm and thoughtful children who do not tolerate someone else"s fountain of feelings. However, if the mother fulfills only the physiological needs of the child and deprives him of emotions, then most often this hinders his development. An aloof mother can quite strictly control the emotions of her child and thus not allow a close connection with him. Her child will be very "convenient" and "well-mannered", he will not allow himself to be emotionally out of control, will not be capricious, will not have fun from the heart or fall into a romantic mood. A cold mother may be absent from the child"s life physically: touch him little (usually out of necessity – bathing, dressing), no hugs, joint wallowing and pampering. She may early send the child to a nanny or kindergarten, involve grandmothers in raising the child, transfer care of the child to other relatives. May devote a lot of time to work, go on business trips, arrange a personal life separately from the child. Not understanding or not wanting to understand the emotions of her child, a cold mother will obscure his own "I" with her demands. She will feed him when he is tired, will put him to bed when he wants to talk, will choose clothes, toys and activities for him, not particularly taking into account his wishes. A detached mother will leave the child without support when he needs it: she will leave the baby alone to "cry it out", will not console or encourage the baby during failures on the playground or in kindergarten, will not admire drawings and crafts, will not help a schoolchild with homework or conflicts in the classroom. On the one hand, it may seem that the mother is trying to teach the child independence, but on the other hand, the child of such a mother gradually stops expecting support and loses the ability to trust and open up to anyone. A cold mother can make demands on her child that he will most likely not be able to cope with, – and then the mother will distance herself from him “with a clear conscience”. Whether the child got his shoes wet, fought at school or, on the contrary, was unable to fight back at the offender, was too naughty or, on the contrary, was too sluggish – the mother will find a reason to "get upset" and deny the child her closeness and warmth. And she can even hide her coldness behind a mask of care: she tries to raise her child and in her own way shows him how not to do things. A cold mother can behave in such a way that children cannot share anything with her, afraid to upset her, anger her or run into a stream of moralizing. Any mother at a certain stage of life can experience difficulties and distance herself from her child. Psychologists have long been calling for not making a tragedy out of this and even remind each other that the accusation of “bad parenting style” is a dubious thing. Because crowds of insecure parents after this take on a sense of guilt, become more anxious, and this immediately affects their behavior, and not in favor of the child. Therefore if you are cold with your baby only sometimes, then the label “emotionally cold mother” is not for you. But if you notice that the listed signs of a detached mother describe your constant behavior – there is an occasion to think.

A child’s emotional development can be significantly impacted by growing up with a distant, cold mother, which can result in feelings of abandonment, insecurity, and low self-worth. When a mother is physically or emotionally unavailable, the child may find it difficult to develop healthy attachments and to establish relationships based on trust. In order to promote a child’s self-assurance, emotional health, and sense of security, parents must understand the value of warmth, presence, and consistent care.

What a child feels

A child of a cold mother is often called "abandoned". His family may have a decent income and occupy a good place in social ratings, but the child may lack warmth, love and emotional exchange with adults, and this results in a feeling of helplessness, resentment and self-pity. In adulthood, this can manifest itself in isolation, dependencies, hostility and mistrust, in relationships such a person can fall into the position of a victim, he can even avoid deep relationships. Children who had an emotionally cold mother did not receive a model of healthy emotional behavior, that would help them understand themselves and develop themselves. Of course, the world is huge – and a child can observe living emotions in grandparents, educators and teachers, other significant adults. But a cold mother seems to lock the child"s emotional world. The child quickly learns to understand what he should do, what they want from him, he learns to behave correctly and please adults. But he finds it difficult to say what he wants, what he feels, it is difficult for him to distinguish between annoyance and anger, sadness and protest, he lives very much “in his head”, as if separately from his feelings and his body. Growing up, he can say, for example, that a good person is someone who behaves decently and honestly. It would never occur to him to compare that a good person smiles warmly, his eyes sparkle with joy, and it is so cool to hug and be with him. A child of a distant mother receives little sympathy, and therefore underestimates his feelings and needs. Often, a child adapts to a cold mother, continuously achieving success, and gets used to forcing himself, ignoring his desires, does not show sympathy to himself, living in stress becomes the norm for him. The good news is that love, compassion, empathy develop with practice, and they can be developed and “finished” in adulthood. A child of a cold mother loses hope for close, reliable connections with people early on. It is difficult for him to believe that he can be loved and valuable to someone just like that, it is difficult to allow someone to get close to him. It is much easier for an adult who was a child of a cold mother to run to help others than to accept someone else"s support or help. On the other hand, once he opens up to someone, he more easily becomes dependent and more often finds himself in the position of a victim. The child grows up with a high level of anxiety. He is frightened by the constant detachment of the mother, he tries to earn her closeness, learns to be convenient and correct, does not dare to show his "inconvenient" feelings and desires. A cold mother tries to maintain contact with her child out of necessity or propriety, the child instinctively reaches out to her, but when they get physically close, the mother begins to push him away in some indirect way: she finds fault with trifles, refers to being busy. And the child"s anxiety increases, he looks for shortcomings in himself and eliminates them, tries to be better, learns to tolerate neglect of himself. Growing up, he often maintains this position and becomes a convenient adult for everyone, tries to meet the expectations of many people, while considering them dangerous for himself. The child refuses initiative, becomes passive, falls into a feeling of powerlessness. He is powerless to achieve love, powerless to get out of a conflict, use his abilities, enjoy his talents and increase his achievements if they are not appreciated by the most important person – his mother. But even if the child received such a cold experience in childhood – he can make up for a lot in adulthood. The psyche is plastic, and many traumas and "holes" are patched up when a person becomes strong, gets back on his feet and learns to be happier. Moreover, if the child"s psyche is strong enough, he resists the contradictory signals of a cold mother, gets indignant and stands his ground, seeks warmth from other adults. This, of course, disturbs the peace of the family, but such a child has a better chance of growing up healthy.

What a cold mother feels, a view from the inside

It is very rare that a cold, detached mother deliberately and maliciously torments her child. Most often, coldness is not the fault, but the misfortune of such a mother. She has found herself in a mess of difficult internal and external circumstances that are difficult for her to overcome even with the best of intentions. There is such an opinion: we need to soberly part with the illusion that all mothers instinctively love their children. Mothers know that children need to be loved, but they do not always find a source of love in themselves. A mother may be bored with a child, the baby may frighten and tire her, she may be burdened by him, and at the same time fanatically care for him, and at the same time suffer from a feeling of guilt for her lack of involvement in the baby. The psyche is capable of constructing the strangest logical constructions to save a person from severe stress (and realizing that you do not love your child is always stressful). And a cold mother will explain to herself that she got a very difficult and unbalanced child, that she is “just” a strict mother and behaves this way for the benefit of the child. A modern cold mother, rather, will even diligently pretend to be interested and express delight in a plastic voice, because today joyful participation in the life of a child is in trend. But be that as it may, many cold mothers deep down suffer from the fact that they cannot give their child something important. Ethologists remind us of such a curious fact: in most primates, the maternal instinct fades away when their cubs reach 5-6 years, – this program may well influence mothers of the Homo sapiens species. Of course, humans are social creatures, we are guided by cultural programs and have learned to cultivate a “secondary instinct” of maternal love and care, which acts throughout life. But the mechanism of this younger instinct is not so reliable. And we have to admit that there are unhappy mothers who do not love their children, although for social reasons they try to portray this absent feeling. Another common reason for coldness towards a child is dislike for the child’s father, which is sometimes transferred to the baby. The mother may be offended by the child’s father, have a lot of complaints against him and, without understanding the subconscious processes, push her son or daughter away from herself. The mother may be “dead” emotionally because she is depressed. The death of a loved one, separation from a loved one, difficult relationships, difficult life circumstances – all this can "turn off" a mother from an emotional connection with a child. The lack of support in life that could support a woman and give her strength also has a sad effect: a favorite job, good friends, a loving family, health, hobbies, etc.d.

A child’s development may be negatively impacted for a long time by growing up in an emotionally distant environment. Lack of warmth and affection can cause a child to experience low self-esteem and develop insecure or distant attachments. It is imperative that parents understand the value of emotional connection, regardless of how busy or stressed they may be.

Little acts of kindness, such as a smile or a soft touch, can have a profound impact on a child’s sense of security. Children who receive consistent emotional support develop into self-assured, compassionate adults. Rebuilding a mother’s bond with her partner, friends, or a professional can be facilitated by seeking support.

In the end, kids flourish in settings where they experience love and value. Parents can guarantee their child feels safe and well-cared for as they grow up by being physically and emotionally present, setting the groundwork for a healthy future.

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