How hypo-custody gives rise to "orphans with living parents"

What is hypo-custody
Why hypo-custody occurs
Signs of hypo-custody on the part of parents
Signs of hypo-custody in a child"s behavior
What to do if you are a hypo-custody parent?

How many times have you read with surprise, after learning about a child offender from the media, that the child comes from a wealthy, whole family, none of whose members "was, was not, was not involved in" On the other hand, it is not unusual for a child to live in a family but on his own. Even a term for this parenting approach exists: hypo-custody.

What is hypo-custody

The opposite of over-custody is hypo-custody. In the first scenario, the child is always the center of attention from his parents, but he lacks the ability to make decisions on his own and is not held accountable for his actions. In the hypo-custody scenario, on the other hand, the child either fully or partially "falls out" of the parents’ attention.

It’s a common misperception that hypocustody is a social bottom disease. Where kids are left behind, neglected, and made to fend for themselves when they’re young? Naturally, in the families of long-term alcoholics! Actually, this is untrue. Many parents think that they have just taught their child independence and responsibility, that they haven’t removed themselves from raising them, that they haven’t made them the center of the universe, or that they haven’t given their lives in order to protect their child.

Every fifth child experiences hypo-custody during their upbringing.

In addition, the family is formally regarded as well-off because the child has access to more food, clothing, toys, books, and technology than is strictly necessary. He does, however, suffer from an acute emotional deficiency; to the infant, this is a more painful and damaging situation than not having enough food or warm clothes.

Why hypo-custody occurs

Hypo-custody can arise for a number of very distinct reasons.

Infantilism of parents

As you are aware, the circumstance is unrelated to age when "children have children." Occasionally, young parents who are thirty or forty years old feel that they haven’t "played enough" and aren’t prepared to take on the role of raising a new family member. They attempt to get rid of the child as soon as it becomes apparent that he is not a doll—rather, he can be erratic and generally gets in the way of things. He is, at most, left in the care of a nanny or grandmother, but such care hardly qualifies as a full-fledged upbringing.

Do you recall the young man named "Uncle Fyodor" from the Prostokvashino company’s adventures in the book and cartoon? This child is an example of one who was raised in a hypo-custody scenario; he starts living on his own at a time when he really shouldn’t. However, it is true that he has two grandmothers: a negligent one named Sharik the dog, who goes "on a photo hunt," and a cat named Matroskin, who says, "I can also embroider… and on a machine too."

The collapse of a marriage

A divorced parent with a child is always a risk zone. One life has ended, you need to build another, and not everyone can imagine how to do this if you have a child. The burden of responsibility (both moral and, sometimes, financial), previously distributed between two, suddenly ends up on only one of the parents. Sometimes this turns into overprotection, when a parent (usually a mother) is afraid of losing this part of the family and tries with all her might to "fix" the child in her life. Sometimes – hypo-custody, when the parent-custodian begins to live as if the child does not exist at all: “Why does the ex-husband (wife) live freely, but I can’t arrange my personal life? I also want!”

In Andrei Zvyagintsev’s film "Loveless," a clear picture of these kinds of relationships is painted: the son turns out to be so unimportant to the divorcing parents, who are attempting to let go of the burdens of their past lives as they approach a new beginning, that the boy’s disappearance is more frequently discovered at school than in the family.

Childhood trauma of parents

If the parents experienced hypo-custody as children, they are more likely to go to one of two extremes: either they become over-custodians and reject the methods of their upbringing, saying things like, "My mother was a careerist, she was never there for me," or they repeat the events of their childhood because they are unable to imagine anything different. I promise not to act that way; instead, I’ll give the house and the kids my whole attention and spend every minute with them!

It is not uncommon for both parents to have had hypo-custody when they were growing up. Young parents are emerging as "children of the wild nineties" in the modern era. Due to the economic crisis, which required them to work long hours, their parents frequently were unable to give their kids the psychological support they needed.

“Sleeping” maternal instinct

Though it is rare, there are occasions when a mother’s maternal instinct "does not turn on" following the birth of her child. Hormones released during pregnancy and childbirth "trigger" unconditional love, but sometimes something goes wrong. When a mother holds her infant, it feels as though she is holding the child of a total stranger. Don’t panic; sometimes feelings take a while to surface—hours, days, or even weeks—instead of immediately. Should they not seem that way, the mother will have to follow a challenging route, akin to that of her mother-seeker; prioritize the child’s "head" before their "heart."

But occasionally, the mother continues to raise the child in an automated manner, akin to an orphanage caregiver. Fed? Outfitted? Served in a school? That’s fantastic, the goal was achieved!

It can be difficult for parents to maintain their composure and attention when their restless child exhibits an abundance of energy and curiosity. Determining the cause of their restlessness—be it physical exercise, emotional needs, or overstimulation—is essential to devising strategies that promote their growth and welfare. Parents can help their child positively channel this energy while creating a balanced environment for growth by providing a structured routine, lots of play opportunities, and gentle guidance.

Do you have hypo-custody in your family?

While hypo-custody has very obvious symptoms, the following description is not a test with a fixed number of points. Nevertheless, every family is unique, with a lot depending on national, cultural, and religious customs. Instead, this should make you consider whether your child reached an early stage of independence and self-sufficiency. Have you been able to establish his priorities in life? Have you been able to show him how much you care?

Signs of hypo-custody on the part of parents

Lack of daily physical contact – "hugs", kisses, stroking, touching.
You rarely tell your child about your love: such things always sound somehow false and pathetic, it is better to save them for a special occasion.
You talk less than 15 minutes a day. For a week you have not had a single conversation on abstract topics. You are sure that due to his age, the child cannot be an interesting full-fledged interlocutor.
Your child has an amazing gift always contact you "at the wrong time": when you are busy with work, household chores, reading or watching a movie.
Are you sure that the child should cope with all the tasks independently, which they give him at school and kindergarten. After all, they are designed specifically for his age!

Signs of hypopecks in the behavior of the child

The child seems to be on purpose trying to do everything in spite, spoils everything, destroys, even threatens suicide. By the way, you were not mistaken, he really “makes it spite”, trying to achieve your reaction, albeit negative.
The child is completely goes to the virtual world -Not just for some time is passionate about a new computer game, but completely "lives on the network". Most likely, he does not see a place in the real world for himself.
Child retreated from contact attempts – does not tolerate your touch, turns any conversation.
Child solves your problems: his contribution to the family budget is comparable to yours or, for example, he takes on the arrangement of your personal life.

Signs of a restless child	Helpful tips for parents
Constantly fidgets and moves around	Encourage physical activity, like outdoor play
Has trouble focusing on tasks	Break tasks into smaller steps with breaks
Easily distracted by surroundings	Reduce distractions and create a calm environment
Struggles to sit still during meals or quiet time	Offer short, engaging activities between seated tasks
Frequently interrupts conversations	Teach patience by practicing turn-taking games

Patience and understanding are needed when helping a restless child. It’s critical to understand that their energy is natural and can be directed toward constructive goals with the appropriate attitude.

Discovering activities that benefit both their body and mind can have a significant impact. Structured routines, artistic endeavors, and outdoor play all contribute to giving them the balance they require to flourish.

Recall that each child is unique. One person’s solution might not work for another, so it’s critical to maintain flexibility and be willing to try new approaches that meet your child’s specific needs.